Straight dad works for marriage equality
By Larry Buhl, PlanetOut Network | June 16, 2006
As a student at William and Mary College, Aaron Toleos made gay men and lesbians the butt of jokes or the subject of witty, caustic songs -- that is, when he actually considered them at all. Some 15 years later, Toleos says his journey from "clueless frat boy" to "pro-gay family man" is complete.
As the co-director of KnowThyNeighbor.org, a Web site that publicizes the names and addresses of supporters of same-sex marriage bans in Massachusetts and Florida, Toleos not only has a vehicle for fighting marriage equality foes, but also a platform to speak out for gay rights.
A straight married man with two young kids may seem an unlikely champion for gays, but Toleos, who lives in Massachusetts, says fatherhood itself helped galvanize his thinking.
"As I got older, I began to educate myself, but it wasn't until after I became a parent that I decided to help gays and lesbians fight for their rights," Toleos said.
"When my oldest started in preschool, I noticed several kids had two mommies, and it made me think about what it would be like to go into a store and be faced with a petition that would destroy my own family. If I weren't a father, I don't think I would have been impacted by the issue," he said.
Two years ago, while working on a Massachusetts legislative campaign, Toleos met Thomas Lang and his husband, Alexander Westerhoff. The candidate lost, but the three men remained friends. Last summer, when Tom called with the idea to fight a ballot measure aimed at changing the state Constitution to ban same-sex marriage and civil unions, Toleos jumped at the chance to do the Web development for the site.
"I like to joke with my straight friends that Tom is my new 'gay partner,' " Toleos said.
Toleos, who works as the webmaster of North Shore Community College in Danvers, Mass., said the purpose of KnowThyNeighbor.org is twofold -- to root out signature fraud and to engage petition signers in meaningful dialogue about the issue.
Two years after it became the first state to grant full marriage rights for gays and lesbians, Massachusetts continues to be ground zero in the battle. People on both sides of the debate acknowledge the very real possibility that thousands of same-sex couples could see their marriages invalidated. Though the overall political impact of KnowThyNeighbor.org is still unclear, Toleos believes the site is already succeeding through peer pressure.
"When your next-door neighbor comes over and says, 'Did you know you signed a petition that will hurt me?' it's a shocking and uncomfortable moment and it brings the issue home," Toleos said. "It's transformative when you're called to account for sponsoring legislation that would take rights away from real people."
"Aaron is often more on message about marriage equality than I am," Lang said. "I can be a little hesitant because I understand the delicate dynamics of the Massachusetts media, but he keeps pushing me to be politically gay-gay-gay all the time."
Lang said he plans to approach equality organizations in Colorado, Illinois and other states to work in conjunction with the Web site. Despite the polls that show increasing public support for same-sex marriage, Lang said he is "scared to death" of people voting on the issue.
"I know of many people who have been duped into signing the (Massachusetts) petition," Lang said. "The polls are too simplistic. People often have no clue what they're signing or what they're voting for."
Toleos, on the other hand, is more encouraged by the movement to protect marriage equality and believes it will prevail as long as gays, lesbians and their straight allies don't become complacent. "The more you stand up for civil rights, the more allies you get, and that snowball effect is already happening in Massachusetts."
"This is the civil rights movement of our generation," Toleos continued. "I ask people, 'Do you want to be part of the last generation to suppress their (gay and lesbian) rights, or be the first generation to support them?' "
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